Spoiler Alert: There are tidbits from past episodes and especially the Spanderverse series.
Notes: Story number Twenty in the Spanderverse-universe, following “Battling with a God”. Everything from the television series through the defeat of Adam also occurred as depicted, in the Spanderverse.
People’s thoughts are depicted in italics. You’ll find emphasis depicted with an underline.
THANK YOU JOSS and DH COMICS for Buffy: Season 8 and Angel: After the Fall!
This is also a ‘mini-series’ of sorts within the Spanderverse. Chapter 1 of 4 of an experiment in writing strictly in the first person pov.
Spanderverse: Points of View, One
My name is Anya Christina Emanuella Jenkins; well not really. And I’m twenty-one. Well, that’s not really true either. I just made up twenty one when I magicked up some I.D. so I’d stop being denied a beer at the bar in town.
The truth is I barely know who I am. Once, a very long time ago, I was Aud. I was just a girl in a small village in
Things were so much easier then.
But then there was this thing with a wish and it all went wrong somehow. The details have grown really vague to me; I think it’s this faulty human memory. I just know that I lost my ‘power center’, a pendant that D’Hoffryn supplied and suddenly I was stuck as a mortal here in Sunnydale. Oh, I did try to get that pendent back, absolutely, but it just didn’t work. And D’Hoffryn was extremely unsympathetic… I suppose that’s natural, him being a demon and all.
So now here I am, trying to write up some sort of account of what happened the day when Buffy died. It’s ironic, because her death has left me sad and before I know that I might have been happy about it. Her being the Slayer and I being a demon. Well, actually, I probably would have just shrugged it off without much interest and gotten onto my next curse, now that I think about it. But now I’m human again and I knew her and it hurts to think that she’s gone. I cried a little bit yesterday while lying in bed. I’d forgotten how much being human can hurt inside until Joyce died. And now we’ve secretly buried Buffy.
Well, anyway, Giles says he will be editing these things before sending a completely made up version of events to the Council (don’t tell them I’m an ex-demon Giles!) but he wants a true account for his private records. Isn’t that a little dangerous, Giles? Well, nevermind.
Anyway, there isn’t much I can tell about the events leading up to those last minutes of the Slayer because Glory had stolen my sanity from me. I remember clearly being outside of the Magic Box and Glory covering my mouth with one hand. I remember being utterly terrified because I’d only just recently become mortal and had finally adjusted to the fact that I could only have a few decades left to do everything, and now she was going to kill me and it all seemed really unfair. Except, she didn’t.
Instead, it was like being locked away inside. Like being in a prison cell in some dungeon. My eyes were like cell windows way up near the ceiling of the dungeon and I could see the light coming in, but I couldn’t quite reach them. I don’t know if I can describe it well. I could see everything that was happening around me, but it was like I was standing several feet behind my own eyes so that I couldn’t quite ‘be me’. And all around me, in the darkness of my brain, were these little mutant rabbits with sharp teeth and nails. And they had to hurt me because I was bad and disgusting and I needed to be punished, but I didn’t know why. And whenever things were almost making sense again, the rabbits would come out of the darkness just enough for me to panic and then I’d lose what I thought I almost knew.
Oooh… you can’t see it, but I’m shuddering now. Things that happened during this time are very jumbled for me, Giles. I’m sorry I can’t be clearer for you. I remember being in the R.V. and yet not really comprehending where I was or what was happening. I remember that
And then suddenly Spike was there. And he was telling me that we were fighting Glory and I needed to stay down. Well, the hell with that! You know me Giles; there was no way I wasn’t making somebody pay for what they’d put me through. So I went crawling toward a tool shed looking for something that I could strike back with, and I found it. The hard, cool steel of the crowbar made me feel powerful again and I started to look for a way to help out.
I saw Xander, I remember, but he was running for somebody… probably Spike. So I looked around and that’s when I saw
That’s when we met up with you, Giles. Unfortunately, you remember, that’s when Glory’s other victims began to throw bricks at us. We couldn’t get near the damned tower where I guessed that Dawn would be. Not that there was a lot you or I could do up there, I guess. I mean, I didn’t have anything on me to cut whatever they were using to keep Dawn tied up there. But I do know that I was still very angry with Glory and wanted to see her bleed.
People think that demons are bad (and, okay, they are) but they’re nothing compared to Gods!
The next time that I saw Buffy, she was standing on the ground looking in pain. I have no idea where she’d come from, because I didn’t see her when I stopped being crazy. But while I was moving toward her to ask where we could help, Xander did that construction thing. You know… that huge swinging ball and Glory was knocked on her ass.
Buffy took off before I could reach her, but I saw Glory lying there on the ground. I know it was stupid of me, I know that she could have killed me easily, but I was so outraged by what she’d done. I don’t know what came over me, but I marched up to her and let her have it with my crowbar. I’ve got to admit, that felt really good. So good, I didn’t want to stop even though I could feel tears starting to sting in my eyes. And that just made me angrier, because the last thing I wanted to do was start crying in front of her.
Maybe it’s a good thing that Xander came and got me. I mean, now we know that whenever Glory wasn’t threatening us, it was probably because she was being Ben and I didn’t want to kill a person. Which… weird again, huh? I’ve killed lots of people in lots of different ways… most of them bloody and all of them awful. But it’s different now… that stupid Aud soul is in me now and it makes everything harder to do. So, anyway, Ben was lying there and Xander stopped me from bashing his brains in for him and then I was just… freaking out all of the sudden. I don’t even know what happened to me… just those tears in my eyes were suddenly this raging flood of emotion that I couldn’t contain. I can’t believe I fell apart in my ex-boyfriend’s arms like that. How humiliating. But Xan has always been a decent guy and he hasn’t gloated over my turning into a weak, whiney girl, so I guess it’s a little bit okay.
So… we were standing near the street and then everything went wrong. Oh, Giles… I’m so sorry. Well, you know basically what happened. Dawn cut, blood opened the portal… doomsday.
I went after you when I saw Xander run off. I know now that he wanted to spend his last moments with Spike. –Sigh- (that was me making a sighing sound) I wish I had somebody like that (it should have been Xander, but I’m trying very hard not to be bitter because bitterness causes vengeance and I’m trying to be a decent person now and the thought of wishing vengeance on Xander makes me feel yukky in my stomach). Anyway, you were trapped and if anyone could stop what was happening, I figured it would be you, but you needed to be free first.
I thought that
It seems kind of stupid now, actually, considering the circumstances. Do you think that’s what shock does?
-sigh- (that means that I sighed again). That’s when things got quiet, Giles. And I thought, “Well, for the end of the world, this isn’t so bad”.
But then regular sounds started and it was like the world was suddenly back to normal. I could just ‘feel’ it, somehow. And I was so relieved and so happy, Giles. I remember being worried about
And that’s when I saw her, Giles. That’s when I saw Buffy and I knew. I mean, I didn’t know-know because I don’t understand why anyone had to die to close the portal. Blood rituals were never my strong suit, but I knew that Buffy would be dead. I think I knew that Dawn would be alive and that Buffy jumped so her sister wouldn’t have to. I think I knew all of those things, but not in words. Maybe I do still have a lot of my instincts intact from my demon days.
I remember my throat had this really painful lump, even though it was Buffy who was dead and she was the Slayer and this is like how it was supposed to happen for her, anyway. I mean, I hope that isn’t too blunt, Giles. I’m really trying hard to not say hurtful things because I speak without thinking, but you know that this is the way Slayers die. Its… natural; the way things are supposed to work out.
But the lump stayed there anyway. I hate that feeling, Giles! I hate it even more than I hate crying. Because it feels like I’m crying anyway, but without the benefits of release.
I tried not to look at her. Was that cowardly? Was it not right to not want to be witness to her death? You’d tell me, wouldn’t you? The truth, I mean… because I can’t grow if no one will explain to me what I’m supposed to do. So…, I tried not to look at her, but my stupid eyes wouldn’t stay straight ahead and I did and she was... broken. Broken and still and I knew she was dead, even more than I already knew it.
But then I was with Xander and Spike and I had to do the practical things that needed done. Like get their help to get you out of the mess you were in. So I pushed Buffy out of my mind and focused on what we needed to do next.
I told Xan that I needed him to help me get you unpinned. It nearly broke my heart all the way in two, because Xan said that the witches would help Buffy while we freed you. And I knew, the witches can’t help Buffy… no one can help Buffy. But he didn’t believe that yet. And it made me hurt inside that he didn’t know. We knew, didn’t we, Giles? Well, I knew anyway. But Xan didn’t know. And I couldn’t tell him.
I still remember her voice when she told us Buffy was dead. I looked quickly at Xander because he didn’t know, except now I think he did. Because he didn’t react to Dawn’s comment at all. And I knew he heard her. She said Buffy had jumped and she was dead, but Xan just, I don’t know, shut her out and continued pulling at debris. Was that healthy? Is it normal for people to just ignore bad news and pretend they didn’t hear it? Sometimes I worry about Xander, even though it’s not my responsibility anymore.
And well… you know what happened after we freed you.
I keep re-reading this and that lump in back of my throat that I don’t like is back. I don’t really understand the point of this, Giles. You can’t send these to the Council. I don’t understand why you want to collect these and hold onto them. It feels morbid to me. You’re not going to crack up, are you? Because we’ll need you, Giles. You’re still the oldest adult (ignoring myself because I have no experience and Spike because he’s a jerk and can’t be trusted to look after everyone) and have much more experience in these things than we do.
If you are going to crack up though, I hope that you’ll burn these first. I mean, just because you’re going to go insane doesn’t mean you should blow the secret of Buffy’s death for the rest of us. I mean, not to be rude, but we’re all working so hard to treat Buffybot like she’s actually Buffy and it seems like a waste of effort if you’re just going to go off the deep end and blab the truth, anyway.
Oh, and I haven’t said anything to the others yet, but I want you to know that I’d like some time away from Sunnydale. As soon as things calm down a bit, I’m going to go on a road trip. Just until you get the Magic Box opened again. You are still going to open it, aren’t you? I mean, it’ll be a lot of work to recapture our market share and I’ve had to cancel half a dozen internet orders whose customers I’ll probably never get back, but the shop was a decent revenue stream, Giles. You have to re-open! Unless you’re going to go insane, of course. I don’t suppose you’ll care either way, then.
Anyway, I don’t know what else I can say about that day, Giles. I feel like I’m failing you somehow. I wish I understood the point of this, but my hand is getting a cramp now and I don’t feel like working on it anymore.
BTVS seasons 1-4.
Spanderverse: After 314
BTVS: Real Me
Spanderverse: Confusion of Three
The Risks of Glory
Hunting Our Needs
The Family We Choose
Feints and Counter-Feints
BTVS: The Body
Songs of Pain and Comfort
Battling with a God
Spanderverse: Points of View, One